To Hell With Sleep Training... Maybe

I'm just gonna' buy the biggest baddest king sized bed I can find. We've had guests in for several days so it's obviously been horrible for sleep for the girls. Last night a thunderstorm rolled in around 3:15am and lasted until 4:30ish. Monkey #2 has been up since the first rumble. She napped for about 45 min on my shoulder through breakfast, something she's never done, and is now all discombobulated. So... to hell with it, one more night in Mommy's bed. I'll try to move her later. I got ZERO sleep last night. Monkey#3 is laying transverse across my belly trying to turn I hope. Holy hell is that so not comfortable. Went to nut pill lady today and was happy to hear her shoot down the crap studies I read on the net about Lexapro. So now I start to wean myself off klonopin. The horror. It really is a lot of mind over matter in this case. Just something you HAVE to do. Deal with the panic to bring your baby into this world happy, healthy and able to breastfeed. A little scared but I've been through worse. Goodnight. May you all have your beds to yourselves and may I be able to transfer my girls to theirs without awakening them.

Seriously? I Should Just Let Her Fall Asleep On the Floor in the Living Room

Update: He got her inside, I got them both in their beds, and she fell asleep before I could even get out of the room. My mistake for not having an inkling of faith. What a roller-coaster.

She just went outside. It's 8:00pm, I feel like giving up. How can you enforce a rule if you're the only one willing to enforce it? I've managed her four nights in a row and have the scratch marks to prove it. Please, please don't let this be another one of those nights. Sad thing is, I know it will be.

It Happened Again

While I was updating the masses on my bedtime struggles with Monkey #1, she slipped out of my room and ended up outside with the Monkey King because he left the door open. I slipped Monkey #2 into her bed without any issue and came down to get little Miss Willful and take her to bed. She fought it the whole way, kicking and screaming. At least I wasn't the one carrying her. I had her in her room with my back against the closed door and I witnessed a child I didn't know existed. It dawned on me that she is incredibly angry about something, I have my theories, but this is serious. She's been pretty hateful towards me for awhile now and it's just picking up steam. Last night, she lost it: tore apart her castle tent (nothing irreparable), kicked and then dumped over her toy chest (no small feat) and then came the personal assault ending with two amazing primal screams. I did my best to remain calm and just deflect her. But she was scratching, slapping, punching and kicking. She hit me so hard a couple of times, I slapped her hand. I kept my voice calm and just tried to push her away when she came at me, not hard, just deflection. This is not malevolent anger towards me, this is something different all together. She's angry. Very angry. And it's up to her father and me to figure out what it is. The new baby is obvious but it's got to be more. After screaming, she finally asked me to get in bed with her then yelled at me not to lay down so I knelt next to her bed. We were both crying and I was asking her why she was so angry. She can't pinpoint it because she's not yet four. I asked open ended ended questions and we talked for awhile. I told her how much I loved her, how my whole life revolved around her and her sister and how we would get through this, whatever it is. I kissed her, hugged her and told her goodnight. Then I sat outside her door for five minutes until she was asleep. She's willful, stubborn, relentless and loving, funny, and usually very respectful, but something is making her unhappy and I need to figure it out. Wish me luck.

Do you Withdraw When You're Depressed? I sure as Hell Do

Today's been rough. Hell the last 2 weeks have been rough. And blogging from my iPhone is so not easy. My new drug, lexapro seems great. The panic's lessening but the depression's creeping in. My almost four year old is acting like a pissed off teenager and I'm the only one around for her to take it out on. We had a knock down drag out at bedtime night before last because I made her come inside and go to bed. She shouldn't have been out in the first place. I'm seven months pregnant, I don't have the energy for this. I just want both my kids to go to bed easily and on their own. It's imperative to have a night-time routine to which both parents adhere 100% or you're screwed. Marriage is hard. Being on the same page is hard. Understanding each other's visions of discipline and behavior modification is most important and the most difficult. So my bedtime struggles continue. I'm trying to write, I promise. Life is getting in the way. I'd really like to get out 'What I Want to Do, What I Need to Do, What I Have to Do' Until then, take it all in stride and choose the right battles, not just for you but for your family.

An Entire Week of Fireworks

Our heat index on Friday was 116 degrees. I feel like I'm back in Texas. It's hot and dry and icky. And the idiots who live in my neighborhood keep shooting off fireworks. Over a week of fireworks. And it's not like they're consistent either; one goes off at 7:00, then 9:15, than a few at 9:45, then the canon goes off at 10:00. The 'canon' is killing me because it makes my babies come tearing down the hall screaming. Well, the one that's not stuck in a crib anyway. That poor thing is in terror until I can rescue her. We were in the backyard last night when that damn thing went off and I hope to all that's Holy, that bastard heard my children's screams. Apparently not because it went off about 20 minutes after I got Monkey #1 to sleep tonight. Luckily for me, they slept through it.

We are back to sleep training 101. Since 3 days before July 4th,  they've both been in bed with yours truly and it's been exhausting. Because the little one is so unaccustomed to sleeping with others, it takes her about three hours to settle down and actually fall asleep. I'll slowly open my left eye to catch a sideways glance and she;ll be looking right at me, bottle in mouth, bunny on the nose. Then she starts talking to her doggie and her bunny and I've begun to wonder if she does that every night. At any rate, once she actually falls asleep she rolls over and over and over. So I end up carrying her to her bed somewhere between 11:00 and 12:00pm. Monkey #1 just doesn't want to fall asleep ever. I was the exact same when I was a kid so I'm gettin' my come-upence. She's a afraid. And I think she's afraid because of her dreams and I know exactly how that feels being a vivid dreamer myself. She would push the little one's buttons until about 10:00 after all of my threatening and finally just pass out. Last night was the first night Monkey #1 fell asleep looking at her baby sister and then her baby sister kept saying, "Nigh, nigh Sissy. I yuv you." while she ran her little hand down the side of Monkey #1's head. I was melting and probably cried a little. I eventually took the rock tumbler to her crib when she was too tired to protest. And big monkey's been sleeping in my bed all night every night. So tonight I decided every one's going back to their beds so I can get some damn sleep. (I won't really, but that just comes with the territory) Little Monkey did pretty well. She only cried once, I got her a fresh diaper and got her back to sleep by 8:30. Easy as pie. Monkey #1 on the other hand... well, we all know she's my hard case sleeper. Looking back, she was not an easy baby. I held her hours on end while she cried to try to get her to sleep. I sang to her, tried to rock her. She hated being rocked, I had to be standing and she hated pacifiers. I'd put her in my bed and have a death grip on her sleep sack and finally it got to where I just couldn't deal. So I let her cry it out. It took about three days but she managed. I'd go in at 5, 7, 10 and 15 minutes and I cried with her the first night. This all happened before the three road trip summer which ruined it all. This is when she developed a serious gag reflex and I can't tell you how many times I've washed that car seat cover, her rugs, bed skirts, baths at 9:00pm for two. So she's slept with me in some form or fashion since she was a year old. Either by falling asleep in my bed and being carried to hers or me sitting in her bed until she's fallen asleep. She usually comes out twice, at 11:30ish and 4:30ish. I'll take her back to her bed at 11:30 and try not to pass out in there with her. Usually at 4:30, she just climbs on in and snuggles up to me. She is now old enough to tell me she doesn't know how to fall asleep, she wants sprite, she needs to get something very specific, certain things in her room scare her and I have to put them all in the closet, etc. Tonight, we went back to where we were a week ago. We cleaned up, she played a little, she got in her bed, I gave her a kiss and sat down with my back to her and reminded her of the 'Sleep Rules': Get in bed, Close your eyes, Stay very quiet and go to sleep. She tried to get out of bed three times at which point I told her I could go out and sit in the hall until she fell asleep. Which is were I would eventually like to be. Preferably before this baby comes. She questioned every noise she heard, I explained them as I do every night telling her to stay in bed, close her eyes, be very quiet and go to sleep. Finally she gave out by 9:00 and I had managed to make my way to the door beforehand. Not bad. Twenty minutes later that damn canon went off and I about ran out the door to scream my head off at those you know what's. But they slept through and I maintained my dignity.

I've decided to write a book for my girls about all the sounds we hear at night. Hell, we used to live in the flight path of the Nashville airport, now a Vespa scares them to death. I'll have to work on that.

Potty Training Update: my sweet baby girl has not had one accident and has mastered potty training in a week. We're still working in the night shift but that'll come soon. I couldn't be more proud of her.

On a personal note, I have so many things I want to do, so many things I need to do and so many things I have to do. It's really hard to juggle all of those. I'm trying to work my way to bringing in some sort of income without having to go out and get a full time job, which I sometimes really wish I had. Not only to contribute but to have a life outside my home. It's really hard to try to start at something while being interrupted a gazillion times a day. It's really hard to be a Mom. Don't feel bad about it and don't let anyone else let you feel bad about it. Do your best and hopefully they'll see. Great, the train's come and woken up the little one. She's got five minutes. Until tomorrow....

Lexapro... My New Nut Pill

So I've been taken off of celexa and put on lexapro. Please follow this link for information about Lexapro, it's the best site I've ever found and I would really like to own a 'Batshit Crazy' t-shirt if I were about 15 years younger. (this website is not written by a medical professional, this guy is a very well read mentally ill person with an excellent sense of humor and self-professed to be batshit crazy.) To be honest, I already feel better, more relaxed, less panicky and a lot of my panic is so obviously circumstantial now that I've started seeing a psychotherapist. They help, a lot. That light up ahead is getting much brighter. However... the use of Lexapro is discouraged in the third trimester as it can harm baby's lung function (according to animal studies, Lexapro is a class C drug) which, as an asthma sufferer, I wouldn't wish on anyone much less my newborn infant. I'll have to talk to my perinatologist. In his 25 years of experience, class C drugs are given a bad rap and as long as you keep a good eye on baby during pregnancy, the benefits outweigh the risks in my circumstance.

OH MY GAH the Strollers, How Could I forget Strollers

The biggest cumulative purchase you will make when you're in your baby-making stage of your life is travel gear. Car seats, booster seats, play pens and wickedly expensive strollers. This is what we've purchased to date and an approximation of the cost:

• Chicco 30 something or other car seat with 2 bases   189.99 + 84.99
• Chicco Stroller for said car seat                                  179.99
• Convertable car seat cause the kid's too damn tall      179.99
• Maxi Cosi stroller for travel                                        179.99
• Joovy Ergo Caboose (double) plus seat covers           399.99 + 49.99             
• 2nd Convertible car seat                                              229.99
• Side by Side Jogging Stroller                                      229.99
• Umbrella Stroller                                                           14.99
• Graco 35 something or other car seat                          159.99
• Booster Seat                                                                   18.99
• Bugaboo Donkey Duo (triple)                                    1109.99
•      with extra seat                                                          244.99
•      with Graco Car Seat Adapter                                     44.99
•      with wheelie board                                                     99.99 + 14.99 for the adapter
•      and of course the seat covers and canopies                89.99
•      rain covers                                                          Holy Shit they're free. (included)
•  
• I would still like to have the snack tray                          39.99
• and cup holder                                                                 24.99

 

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I don't even want to add that up. Plus, if we fly anywhere, I'm going to need the travel bag because the whole damn thing comes apart. Speaking of flying anywhere... 3 car seats, the triple rolls royce of strollers, infant carrier and a lot of luggage. There is a serious lack of product for the demand of 3 kid strollers. Unless they're triplets. It's sick.

Now to play yards:

• Pack & play        179.99 this one is so used I'm going to have to buy a new one for sleep safety
• Joovy 10' x 10'    149.99 I have a 3 story home, this is just practical. It lives in the basement.

Don't forget the baby slings:

• Baby Bjorn                                                159.99 Great when you're not surgery bound
• Hippy sling (GREAT on an airplane)         39.99                         
• Why can't I carry my baby this way sling  24.99 waste of money. can re purpose fabric
• Moby Wrap                                                 44.99 wore it once
• ERGO Carr                                                179.99  we shall see.

Always striving to find the best and most convenient equipment. Just shell out the money the first time around and KEEP EVERYTHING until you are 100% sure you're done having babies. This crap is expensive. I could have bought so much with what I've spent. Not to mention the extra crib, wait, cribs, bed rails that were too small. sheet sets I never used, those damn blankies that were too cute to walk by and the clothes. OH MY GOD THE CLOTHES. I have girl clothes coming out the yin-yang. Get the basics, add on from there. Walk into Gymboree at your own peril. The second I walk in that place, I'm their bitch and they know it. Though I do buy all their special clothes there. Now that #3 is on the way, I have a hard time shelling out $5 for anything. And $15.00 for shoes? for heaven's sake. They only wear them for a month or two and generally, they will only wear their favorite pair every single day. For the love of childhood independence, just let them pick out their clothes when you're shopping cause if they don't like it, they ain't wearin' it.

Side note** I'm living in the Midwest and we had a heat index of 104 at 9:00 this morning. I'm from the South, where we're equipped with industrial sized air conditioners. I'm going to go lay in some ice water and update y'all on the new meds later. Until then, ick.....

Finally... If I'd Known then. Fer Reals.

When you're a new Mom, you're just flyin' by the seat of your pants. You read all the books, get all of the solicited and unsolicited advice, you have a new found Saintlike wonder towards your Mom and your husband is just way out in left field looking at the fence. It's tough. My kids have been born 800 miles away from any other family. Our support system when baby came was each other. And my Saint of a Mother who flew in for two weeks after Monkey #1 was born and the week before and after Monkey #2 was born. (God Bless her!) M #1 was an easy baby, or so I thought. Looking back I probably would have tried to make her sleep in her bed a little harder. She was great in the crib until just before she turned one and we went on three long trips during which she slept in the port-a-crib or in the hotel bed when she woke up screaming not knowing where the hell she was. So when we got home, I tried to put her in her crib and do the whole cry it out thing (which kills me) and she'd puke. It got to the point that the second I got her feet on the crib mattress, she'd vomit at me. I'm pretty sure she did it on purpose. Even though she had a really, really sensitive gag reflex which disappeared around the time she turned two and a half-ish. At any rate. She'd rest in my arms or in my bed until she fell asleep and then I'd move her to the port-a-crib which was in my room. When she was 15 months old, I was 2 months away from having M #2, so we decided to put her back in the crib because she no longer fit in the port-o-crib, and we bought another crib that could be converted into a toddler bed. She wasn't havin' it. So I decided... convert it. I converted it to a toddler bed with the little safety rail that comes with it. What a joke! That thing was 12 inches long and went on either side of the crib, not the middle. Like she's not gonna fall out of that. Which she did, twice, onto the hardwood floor. So my genius decided, put the mattress from the full bed under the crib and she'll not only have something to land on, she'll be able to get in and out of the crib easily. And since I had to lay in there until she fell asleep, she'd crawl down and lay in the bed with me. Now it was off to Sam's to get a full sized bed frame. What the hell were we thinking. We gave the crib to a young girl in need and set up the honest to God big girl bed, which I slept in every night. Finally M #2 came and #1 had to sleep with my husband while I was at the hospital. A night by myself? What? That was blissful. By an act of God, my little tiny M #2 would not sleep unless she was in her crib. Oh what a blessing is this? I still had to juggle between getting #1 asleep in her bed and feeding #2 and getting her to sleep first. If #2 started crying, my night was screwed. Of course #1 was only 18 months old. It now blows my mind how tiny she was. I finally decided on a twin bed, get her back in her original room, put M #2 in the no longer guest room and try using the tot clock with fingers crossed. The voice on the Tot Clock scared her but she understood the lights, not that it had any affect on her behaviour. Now, Monkey #1 is one month shy of her 4th birthday and she still can't fall asleep or get herself back to sleep without me. It sucks. Monkey #2 will sleep in her crib until the day she says, "Mother, I'd like to sleep in a big girl bed now please." Which means we'll be buying our third freakin' crib in five years. At least I'll be smart about it and get the $70.00 jobbie from IKEA. #3 can move into the big nice expensive crib when Monkey #2 is done with it. I went ahead and bought the super cheap changing table too because, I mean really, a bed'll do but changing tables are nice in the middle of the night. I am going to paint them Pinterest white though. While we were living in the apartment for seven months (each month a separate circle of hell) during our state to state transition, M #1 would not sleep in the same room with #2 for all the chocolate in the world. She slept on the couch. And so did I. Sooo fun. So tonight, on the fourth of July, 2012, I will dress up the little couch in the master bedroom for her to sleep on if she so desires. She cannot sleep in my bed and she's more than welcome to sleep in her own. Maybe Monkey #3 will urge her in the direction of her own bed.

Bottle to sippy cup transition? Don't ask me, I'm totally hopeless. The bottle fairy did come and take #1's beloved sippy cups away and that's helped some. I'm horrid at consistency. I tried to transition #2 to a sippy cup and just broke down over it. It'll happen before the baby comes though. I should have done what all the books say and just sucked it up and taken them away but I'm a pansy.

Potty Training: my absolute worst nemesis. Today is the day I decided to just get rid of any all diapers bigger than a size 4. I was going to do them both at the same time but #2 is not quite ready and if I've learned anything it's, "Wait until they are READY." #1 acts like she's not ready but I know she is. She's used the potty before, she just relishes the control she has over me. Any kid who will scream at you for almost two hours to get a sip of milk at 3:30am will not go quietly unto the will of her mother. And I'll be damned if I have 3 kids in diapers come October. We bought candy, undies (dora and princesses), Resolve Pet with Oxy-Clean Carpet cleaner (awesome stuff) and the little one was hell bent on Cars so she has some little boy briefs. So we'll see what happens. She's been holding it for about two hours now so she's bound to pop soon, I just don't know where. Hmmm.

Picky Eaters: Screw it. Vitamins and pediasure. You can't force feed 'em.

Rough Week

Depression and Anxiety wise, it's been a rough week. Really, really rough. There are things in your life which are just too personal to share, for me at least, and the things I've dealt with as of late fall into that category. Needless to say, there's a nice sturdy rope in my pit and I can climb it. I'm still reeling with panic but I have new meds to look toward and a plan. Today I begin with Lexapro. All I know is it's one of the two molecules from celexa which addresses anxiety more than depression. So we'll see how that goes. I have 15 weeks to my due date which means about 12 weeks to get off of the Klonopin before Monkey #3 is born.

Had I Known Then, But First: Should I Write Mid-Panic

So, yeah, I'm having a panic attack and I thought I'd try writing until the meds kick in. I've noticed that Monkey #3 doesn't like it when I have panic attacks, she gets all stressed out in her little womb which just makes me freak out more. My hands are all shaky and my heart's racing. I'm worried about a million things I don't really have much control over and I'm worried about the million things I need to do before the baby arrives (in October). Damnit. I can't write like this (4:05PM)

the next day, 3:14pm... Panic attacks are pure evil. Had a rough morning. Beginning to see how huge a correlation panic has toward all the other daily crap one has to deal with. Maybe I'll be able to write tonight. Right now I need to calm the f* down. (And I'm sure my spell check isn't working which really doesn't help any)

Thunderstorms and Fireworks... Who'da Thunk the Kids Would be WorseThan the Dog

Once upon a time, I had the most wonderful German Shepherd Dog named Max. He was my puppy, my Maxi-foots and terrified of fireworks. Didn't care much for thunderstorms either and would have never made a good service or police dog cause he didn't do stairs either. He was born in January on Elvis' birthday and come July 4th, he was still just a pup. I'd say little thing but that's one thing he never was. I went outside to make sure he was okay and I didn't think a fifty pound dog could get any more burrowed into my armpit and chest than that dog was that night. Licking my face, whining, climbing on my head, sticking his head in my shirt, the whole nine. Max grew to be a 115lb bohemoth and sadly jumped the fence defending our property and never made it home. Evidently, as far as big booming noises are concerned, kids are much worse.

I kept hearing rumbles as I was getting the kids ready for bed. They were low, constant and far away. Thanks to recent cannon fire fireworks between 9:00pm and 10:00pm, the monkeys were pretty much terrified of going to bed. The police told my husband they'd received calls over the week about these heathens setting of what seriously sounds like cannon fire. I managed to get Monkey #2 asleep after much cajoling and 'it's gonna be okays', 'Mommy's right here', 'all your doggies are here to protect you', etc. So she was out by 8:15. Then came Monkey #1, who I'm still trying to get to fall asleep by herself. She's never fallen asleep without me in her bed or room. At least I've made it to the door while she falls asleep. I hope to soon be in the hallway. I leave her room as soon as she crashes and come check the weather. Oh greaaaat. Severe thunderstorm warning and I see lightning. My husband was crashed outside on the 'chaise' and we get the first major lightning and thunder crashes. I run outside, shake him awake and tell him to get in the house NOW. He falls back to sleep. I come in and Monkey #1 is sobbing on the upstairs landing wondering where the hell I am. So she comes into bed with me. Then the actual storm hits, the wind and rain and really nasty stuff. (I'm waiting to hear the back door open, which it does, hehehe) Miraculously, Monkey #2 is still asleep. My husband gets in the bed and then Monkey #2 wakes up. Queen sized bed, 2 toddlers, 1 tall man and a woman who's 6 months pregnant. SO COMFY. My husband gives up and goes down to the basement so I tend to a 2 and 3 year old trying to crawl INTO me they're so scared. Finally the storm dies down and I get everyone back in their beds and as I'm walking out of Monkey #1's room, "BOOM". Yay, another round of storms. The three of us get back in my bed and wait the storm out. At about 11:30 Iturn out the lights. It's still rumbling and lightning but Monkey #1 is beat and just can't keep those eyes open. The little one on the other hand in rolling like a rock in a rock tumbler against my back. I've slept with her once, once. She doesn't sleep with other people in a bed. By 12:37am, I'd had enough. I put her back in her bed and the second her head hit the crib sheet... done, eyes closed and bunny on the nose. So that was my night. At one point is was so windy, my blinds were being sucked toward the window. That's when Monkey #1 asked if this was a mean storm. I told her mean storms come with sirens, it was not a mean storm, just windy. I heard something slide across the patio and thought it was a little side table... woke up this morning with our metal table and unbrella smack dab in the middle of the yard. Monkey #1 stayed in bed with me and woke me up once or twice with a knee to the belly and then she had some yucky dreams. I was useless today. Though I did get Monkey #2's bedroom a little more 'done'. As in decorated. We're gettin' there.